THE FUTURE SHAPE OF SPONSORSHIP

I was talking to a friend the other day who works in the business of airport advertising. She told me that airports are thinking about taking off with the idea of selling runway inventory. In other words, the entire runway might be an iPod or a Budweiser bottle. Can you imagine landing and the pilot saying, "We've just begun our initial descent into the New York area. We'll be landing in about 30 minutes on the Budweiser Runway where we, as pilots, know how to drink and fly responsibly." How ridiculous would that sound? But that's what it's come to. The Chicago White Sox recently reached a sponsorship deal with the convenience store chain 7-Eleven, and now every one of their games next year will start at 7:11 p.m. As Sports Illustrated would say, that's a "sign of the apocalypse."

Here are some untouched spaces I believe sponsors will snatch up in the future. Let's just hope they're never really sold.

1) Your neck. I would've said "your head," but I think society will be kind enough to let you keep your hair. But when you're born, you'll get a tattoo of a company's logo on your neck, such as a Nike swoosh, that you will have to sponsor for the rest of your life. You'll be like a walking billboard. Then, when you fill out any legal paperwork, you'll have to write, "Your name sponsored by company name." That will be the official name on your birth certificate, and if you write it wrong the form won't be processed.

2) NBA jerseys. Oh, sponsors are coming, don't you worry. Look at it this way: Some of the best NBA players in recent years have come from overseas where basketball jerseys are already decorated with sponsor logos. Perhaps that's because foreign players are pressured to play better at an earlier age to make all the companies represented on their jerseys happy and interested in continuing doing business with their teams.

3) "It's like, you know." Considering like the popularity of like the phrase, "It's like, you know," marketers will eventually jump on this phenomenon head-on. Because the words "like" and "you know" are perceived to be annoying and used poorly in spoken language, Hollywood will try to make it cool to say, "It's like, you know." Perhaps even a celebrity will create a fashion line called "It's like, you know." Remember when Paris Hilton filed a trademark on the phrase, "That's hot," in 2004? Boy, these days, anything is possible.

4) Designer implants. Companies will be able to sponsor breast and butt implants. So, let's say you're going under the knife for some new plastic, you could choose from a selection of designer implants. For an everyday, low price, you could buy a Wal-Mart implant and for a Fifth Avenue mortgage-like payment, you could purchase a Gucci one.

5) Sports lingo. Taking it a step further with sports lingo, companies will sponsor words that associate with a particular sport. For instance, a basketball dunk might be sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts; a golf tee shot might be sponsored by Lipton Tea; and a tennis singles match might be sponsored by Match.com or another online dating service. So there could be Lipton Tea signage at the tee shot or the game commentator could say, "Welcome to the men's singles final brought to you by Match.com, where singles meet their true match and come out on top.

6) Everywhere else.

Got any crazier ideas?